Feel True Love: A Game-Changing Guide on Attachment Styles
Attachment style theory is a psychological theory that explains why people engage in relationships the way they do. And quite a successful one. This is one of the first comprehensive theories that would describe the complex nature of human interactions.
"Personality traits," as we call them, are indeed manifestations of attachment styles that form in early childhood. Sometimes, so early we don't have memories left, only feelings and subconscious instincts.
Understanding attachment styles isn't about blaming parents or putting yourself in a box of acting out your attachment style. When you recognize your attachment pattern, you can stop reacting on autopilot and start making choices that support healthier, more secure relationships.
What Are the 4 Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are habits of relating to others that develop in early childhood based on how caregivers respond to a child's emotional needs. This framework comes from attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth.
Their research showed that children adapt their behavior to protect themselves. Sometimes, these protective adaptations migrate into later life and might show up as unhealthy communication. For example, silence treatment, emotional detachment, screaming, blaming others, playing a victim, etc.
The four main attachment styles are secure, preoccupied (anxious), dismissive (avoidant), and fearful-avoidant (disorganized). You can start the test to determine your own type of attachment style. They are not diagnoses because they are not included in DSM-5, but they can explain certain symptoms considered to be symptoms of mental health conditions.
A Guide for 4 Types of Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
Secure attachment develops when caregivers are generally consistent, emotionally available, and responsive to a child's needs. The child who they no emotion is forbidden: they can be angry, sad, excited, heartbroken, etc., but still will be loved.
When children with secure attachment style grow up, they accept intimacy the way it is: a natural part of their lives, but also something that doesn't define their identity. In relationships, secure individuals usually communicate their needs directly and trust their partners.
However, even secure attachment isn't immune to stress. Under pressure, a secure person may avoid vulnerability or minimize their own needs. But it's normal to make mistakes sometimes. The main thing is that people with secure attachment style tend to resolve these kinds of conflicts.
To support a secure attachment style in daily life:
Practice open, honest communication. So, don't assume someone can read your mind. If you want something, you'd want to ask for it.
Communicate your emotions before they are explored. Don't bottle up feelings, hoping that everything will fix itself. It's in your hands to build better relationships.
Ask for support. Although you may feel guilt for not being independent enough, a human connection is the highest sign of empathy.
Maintain healthy boundaries. You define how people can or cannot treat you. Make sure they know it.
Preoccupied (Anxious) Attachment
Preoccupied attachment, also known as anxious attachment, develops when parents give love and attention while being distant. Children of such parents usually got their affection only when they were obedient. This unpredictability can create anxiety in adulthood.
People with a preoccupied attachment style seek reassurance and closeness to feel safe in relationships. When a partner shows at least a hint of being distant, a preoccupied attachment style may lead to overthinking, people-pleasing, or subconsciously testing a partner's commitment.
It's also common for people with anxious attachment to center relationships in their lives. That's likely due to their self-esteem and need to be validated. As Freud said, they try to find parents in their partners and get the love they missed in childhood.
To support yourself with a preoccupied attachment style:
Try to follow what exactly triggers anxiety about relationships in you. For example, when your partner is upset, when they stop sharing personal details, when they don't think of you, etc.
Reduce "mind reading" by re-asking and accepting the answer. For example, if you thought, "He finds me stupid right now," ask your partner, "Do you think I'm stupid?" It might be hard to believe their answers, but that's what you're supposed to do.
Practice self-validation. Remind yourself that feelings are valid even if the story behind them isn't true. Yes, it's okay to feel worried about the future of your relationships, even when there was no "reason" for anxiety.
With awareness and practice, people with preoccupied attachment can learn to self-soothe. That happens when they build a strong self-core and learn that validation only from themselves should truly matter.
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Dismissive (Avoidant) Attachment
Children find emotions overwhelming. Everything they feel is exaggerated because emotion is unknown to them. When parents don't help children manage their emotions, it increases the likelihood of the development of avoidant attachment.
In adulthood, people with dismissive attachment value independence and autonomy above all. They may feel uncomfortable around emotional intimacy, thinking it's "cringe" and unnecessary. They also don't like deep conversations and, hence, pull away when relations become too close. From the outside, people with this type of attachment style can appear confident and self-sufficient. Under stress, dismissive individuals do the same: intellectualize emotions instead of engaging with them.
Tips for people with a dismissive style to improve their relationships:
Name your emotions, especially after intense situations. Writing them is the best option to do so because it fills the gap that intellectualization creates.
Allow small, low-risk moments of vulnerability in safe relationships. Don't do anything dramatic, but share something private like a childhood memory or an awkward situation at work with your partner. This works like exposure therapy.
Communicate boundaries instead of disappearing or withdrawing. Similarly, other people cannot read your mind. So, if they hurt you, you should let them know.
Healing dismissive attachment doesn't mean you have to become dependent on other people. As soon as you learn that you can combine closeness and independence, you'll be able to build healthier relationships.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
Fearful-avoidant attachment is also called disorganized attachment because it combines a few insecure attachment styles. This attachment style is a result of unpredictability, such as trauma, neglect, unpredictable behavior, or other frightening experiences.
People with fearful-avoidant attachment in adulthood might crave intimacy while simultaneously fearing it. This can result in so-called "emotional swings" that are often considered a red flag in relationships. They may alternate between seeking reassurance and abruptly withdrawing, leaving their partners confused.
If you have a disorganized attachment style, here's what you can do to support yourself:
Focus on building self-awareness. The most effective way to do so is to talk to a professional therapist, but it's also possible through self-discovery: journaling, psychoeducation, planning and organizing, etc.
Practice self-compassion by being grateful to yourself. For example, write down one positive memory from each day.
Communicate fears and needs gradually. Don't bottle them up and try not to explode when you run out of patience.
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FAQs About Attachment Styles
What Is My Attachment Style?
In order to know your attachment style, you have to learn about attachment style. The most accurate way is to actually observe yourself, which is not easy because protective mechanisms that stem from attachment styles show up in high-stress environments.
Try to ask your friends and family when you're the most "activated." Or complete the attachment style quiz. Most likely, you'll need input from a mental health professional to confirm or refute the results of the test.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes, attachment styles can change. They are protective mechanisms from childhood. When they are no longer needed, the brain won't hold onto them. New experiences, emotionally safe relationships, self-awareness, and therapy can accelerate this process. Many people move toward secure attachment when they develop emotional regulation skills.
Can Two Avoidant Attachment Styles Work?
Two people with avoidant attachment styles can make a relationship work, but it requires a lot of effort and understanding that this love is to be fought for. Two avoidants can work if they introduce clear communication and a willingness to practice vulnerability.
How to Heal Attachment Styles?
Healing attachment styles starts with awareness. Learn about your attachment style and when it activates. What will be useful and universal is to learn how to regulate your own emotions and set boundaries, as well as respect the boundaries of others.
How to Help a Partner With an Insecure Attachment Style?
Supporting a partner with an insecure attachment style requires empathy. Be consistent and show them that you are ready to help. At the same time, hold them accountable for their actions. You also have the right to be respected and loved. Pro tips: encourage open communication, respect boundaries, and model secure behaviors.
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